Countermeasures

I joke sometimes about how I'm going through a quarter-life crisis (let's be honest -- probably a third-life crisis!), but I really feel like I am. When I look back at very early posts on this blog, I barely recognize myself. I used to be so sure of everything... myself, my place in the world, my faith. Now? I question everything. (Incidentally, "Question Everything" is the name of our new small group at HBC. It's perfect for me!) Although it's an exhausting place to be, in some ways the ground feels more solid than all the sureness of my past. I feel more real, whole, and honest than I have in a long time.

My friend Ashley posted this picture on Instagram this morning, and it really spoke to me. In some ways our time in Louisville has felt like chains. I've felt bound by our hyper-conservative surroundings and like I haven't had the freedom to be myself. But in the past year or so I've found the courage to be open about my journey and the ability to be true to myself, and I've felt an honest life begin to peek out around the corners of the gates. I may not be sure of who I am or where I'm headed, but the beauty of this freedom is at times staggering, even beneath the turmoil.

All that said, however, it hasn't been easy. As friends have moved away and I've found myself a minority in our "truth defending" seminary culture (how about "truth seeking" instead?), it's been a lonely time of life. I've found myself battling depression. It feels so strange to type that, but it's true. My religion held me together for a long time. Without it -- or with its evolving, perhaps -- it's been a struggle to "find myself" and figure out who I am. And although I have an incredibly supportive husband and a treasured few friends who "get it," I've been on a somewhat solitary quest for happiness and joy in the unsure life I've found myself leading.

Even as I type this I can feel my old self pointing out the emptiness of my words. I can hear well-intentioned friends telling me that God is what I'm missing, and that on "Christ the solid rock I [should] stand; all other ground is sinking sand." I'm not abandoning faith by any means. But I am open to its redefinition. I know that may make many people uncomfortable. To be honest, it kind of makes me uncomfortable! But it's real & and worth the cost.

In terms of happiness, my dear friend Kari brought up a great point on the phone the other night. She referred to her workplace training involving countermeasures & encouraged me to make a list of "low cost, high impact" changes I could make in my life. That is, what are some changes that have the potential to provide happiness in my life -- or even a change of pace -- without causing a dramatic uproar? For instance, moving to California seems like it would make me happy... but that's a pretty high cost. A puppy, however? A high financial cost, perhaps, but the emotional support and delight Lucy has provided has been immeasurable.

Here are a few things I've been thinking about:

--Cutting my bangs. I've always wanted to, but I've always been afraid! They'll grow back, right?
--Buying a new dining-room table. This one probably seems silly, but I hate our table, and it's the first thing I see when I walk in our apartment. Being surrounded by beauty is important to me, so maybe this could be a change worth its financial cost.
--Pursuing design in some way -- perhaps learning photoshop or illustrator and beginning to design my own prints/stationery. This has been a long time desire of mine, but I've always made it seem to out of reach. I think this one is important, but it also requires the most work.

So these are some of the things going on with me right now. With the demise of Google Reader in the near future, I've been in a blogging funk -- both reading and writing. But this creative outlet has always been a pleasure of mine, so I think it's worth the time investment. Also, I'm up at 5 a.m. feeling terrible (allergies? cold? who knows), so what else do I have to do? :)

If you're reading this, chances are my life has been enriched by you in some way, and I'm thankful for the chance to share bits of my story in this little space. Even if you don't agree with me or feel you can't support my decisions or recent path in life, your support of me as a person means more than you know.

Short But Sweet

Coming home every day to a puppy who loves you is a sweet gift.

Five Things {Catch Up}

It's been so long since I last blogged that I don't even really know where to start. Maybe a list? Those are always easy.

1. Lucy is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I know that's dramatic, but I can't tell you how much I love her & how much joy she's added to my life. Especially with Wes being gone so much. We're taking her home to WV for Easter to meet the family (including Julie's pup, Henry). It should be fun, minus the traveling part....

2. My dear friend Kari has changed my life in many ways, including making me appreciate pretty nails. I have "dishpan hands," so I've never been able to keep polish on for long, which makes gel manicures enticing. [They're expensive, but if you live in Louisville, you should visit 79 Nails on Hurstborne! It's only $25, and they do a great job.] I read this article this morning, though, and I confess I've never really thought much about the UV lamps associated with gel manicures. Fortunately, I'm cheap, so it's not that big of an issue in my life! I think I've had... two? gel manicures.

3. My current TV obsession is Grey's Anatomy. I know, I'm way behind the times. I'm also watching Mad Men with my hubs, since he loves it, but gosh those episodes seem long! Do you have a current favorite show that I should know about? [You know, so I can start watching it in 5 years?]

4. Do you shopkick? If you have a smart phone and love Target as much as I do, I highly suggest you start. You get "kicks" for scanning items at stores like Target, Macy's, Best Buy, etc., and then you can trade those kicks in for gift cards. You even get kicks for walking in stores (you don't have to scan anything)! I generally make apx. $10/month. If you're interested, you should sign up with my referral link. It will make us both happy!

5. My work schedule has changed now that our office is starting to get busier. Instead of Fridays off, I am working Monday and Friday 12-4 (we are busiest in the afternoons). While coming in late on Mondays is a treat, coming in on Fridays is HARD. I know I get no sympathy from those of you who work 40+ hours each week, but I am so much happier & healthier when I work less. Someone sent me this article recently & I've read several like it. I used to work with someone who couldn't handle the fact that I made a point to be in my office less than 40 hours/week. But I get my work done & I'm good at my job, so where is the problem? I think far too many people aren't honest about their limits. I also think our society is completely overworked... but that may be another post in and of itself. :)

That's all I can muster up for today. Just a little Thursday update!

So Much to Smile About Giveaway

I enter a lot of giveaways on blogs & facebook, but I rarely win them. It doesn't stop me from trying, though! Here's a fun giveaway to enter if you're interested. I'm a big fan of Made By Girl's prints (I even have her iPhone case!), and of course I am always happy to find out about a great new blog! Click through for source

[The winner will be announced on the So Much to Smile About blog on 3/1/13.]

Lucy Lu [Baby, I Love You]

Hooray: Lucy is home!

We brought her home last Friday. It has been a whirlwind. Parenting is hard, you guys. [Insert an eye roll from all of my friends with two-legged littles.]

She is so playful and has the cutest personality. She's been a real joy to have around, especially now that Wes is back in school for the semester. Having her home has definitely made me feel less lonely. We're working on a few things... things like potty training & not eating the living-room rug... but overall, it's been fun. :)

The hardest thing about it so far has been figuring out sleeping arrangements. At first, crating her caused anxiety for everyone involved. The first three nights she cried non-stop, and I ended up rescuing her and sleeping with her on the couch. [This was selfishly motivated, by the way -- I felt bad for her, of course, but ultimately, I had to get some rest!] Monday night I left her in the crate (victory!), but we still got little sleep. Tuesday night, after Wes went back to school, I begged facebook friends for advice & several people suggested putting her crate by my bed. That will never work, I thought. It will be even worse -- she'll know I'm near, but she'll be frustrated that she can't be with me.

Not a peep from her crate all night. Amazing!

Last night we went to bed at around 8:30 p.m. We watched Grey's Anatomy from my bed, and then I put her half-asleep self in the crate. I heard her whimper at around 1 a.m., so we both got up for a potty break. Of course she was ready to play at that point, but I was exhausted. I didn't know what to do -- would she, being fully awake at the point of being put in the crate -- cry? I knew I would cave if she did, and for her sake, I don't want to cave. I want to work on being consistent. So we slept together in my bed until 6 a.m. [Not consistent, I know!] I didn't sleep solidly (I didn't want to roll on her or have her decide to jump off the bed or something), but it wasn't too bad. Since I don't have to get up early tomorrow, maybe I will risk the middle-of-the-night crating and see what happens!

Wow. This is totally turning into a mom blog. Sorry about that. I guess the last few paragraphs are for the grandparents. ;) One more picture for everyone's general enjoyment -- Wesley & his little girl taking a nap:

More updates soon on Lucy Lu (technically Lucy May Crouser, but Lucy Lu is my favorite nickname!).

Something I Did & Something I'd Like To Do

I've had a pretty quiet weekend. It's been nice, especially after a long work week.

I think reality will start to set in this week -- the reality of being lonely. I promise I won't complain forever, but I need a minute, okay? My hubs goes back to school on Tuesday, and I've gotten used to having him home. My bestie, Kari, starts her new job in Seattle tomorrow & officially no longer lives right down the road. I no longer have a workout routine. The friends I do have left are busy people. It's just a strange, quiet time of life.

I'm hoping Lucy will be able to come home this Friday, but I haven't heard back from the breeder. I am getting anxious. She turned 8 weeks old yesterday. I haven't seen a picture since we visited at 5 weeks & I took my own {well, Wes took it, actually}. See how happy I am? :)

I am counting on her {hopefully soon} arrival to cheer me up!

Anyway, this is not supposed to be a complaining post. Here is something I did tonight after I painted my nails:

I don't iron much -- at all, really -- but every few weeks I iron my eye-makeup-remover cloth pads. When they come out of the dryer they're rolled up in little balls. Not very conducive to what I need them to do. I got them on etsy, if you're interested. I love finding little ways to reduce waste in my life. This has been a good solution to minimizing my use of cotton pads from Target.

Anyway, I've been browsing Pinterest tonight, which I don't often do, and here is something I'd like to do.
click through for source

It seems somewhat complicated, especially because I don't have a laminator. I actually get stuff laminated for work fairly often, though, so if they're not expensive, maybe I'll look into getting one for my office. It looks like she sells the labels ready-to-go for $4 each, which seems expensive, but so is the label paper you have to buy. Hmm. I'd start with two: flour and sugar.

So that's what I have for you this Sunday night. Something I did, and something I'd like to do. Neither are exciting, really -- but life isn't always, right? I can't take a Caribbean cruise every week. Just keeping it real.

What's Normal, Anyway? Earring Edition.

I have a confession: I'm just a teensy bit OCD. You're shocked, right?! ;) It doesn't necessarily demonstrate itself in crazy compulsions, like having to wash my hands a lot or walking around my bed three times before I take a nap. It just demonstrates itself in somewhat-out-of-the-ordinary compulsions like feeling the need to clean my earrings, you know, almost every time I wear them.

What? That's not normal?

Well, my bestie says it's not... I'm taking a poll. Anyone else care about earlobe hygiene?

...anyone?