Thursday, May 24, 2012

That's what they tell me. But the truth is that I'm not really okay.

I feel like lately my life has just been depressing. I am tired of talking about everything, because I feel like such a downer. And I know that my problems pale in comparison to other people's problems. But as I collapsed on my couch tonight after 10 hours in my office, I said it out loud.

I'm not okay.

I love my job, you know I do, but I've been doing too much of it lately. I'm supposed to work a modified schedule of 72 hours every two weeks. I just turned in time cards totaling almost 95 hours for the last two weeks.

I know that's not that much. I know people work more than that week in and week out. But you guys, my body can't do it. It just can't. I work a modified schedule because I get exhausted so easily. And I've been going to lots of doctors lately, having a lot of blood drawn, and I'm hopeful that I'm the road to a more energized me. It might be my thyroid; I guess we'll see. But it's still early in the process, so I have no immediate reprieve.

I mentioned in my last post that I want a teacher's vacation -- a solid three months. I really do. Honestly, a solid week would even help. But it's not possible. Because when I'm gone, the work piles, and coming back is awful.

Tonight? Tonight I seriously considered quitting my job. A job I really love. Just so I could rest... rest without the fear of coming back to insanity. But I have to make money. I'd have to find another job. And that would be stressful, probably more stressful. So quitting isn't really an option.

I don't know why I'm baring my soul here. It's my blog; I guess I'm allowed. I just don't know what to do.

I'm not okay. Maybe tomorrow I will be. But if you have any advice or encouraging words, please do share.


Anonymous said...

You're not alone and you have a wonderful smile and personality. I'm praying that you have answers and solutions soon.

I was typing the transcript of an interview for my dissertation and I thought of you because I had to type '80s, etc. I hope I just did that right.


Kim said...

Oh Sweet Beth.

I know the feeling. Of course, I have a teacher's vacation and I am so thankful that I am teaching summer school because I don't have a clue what to do with my time when it's not channeled into work. (I must need a hobby.)

I hope you are okay really soon.

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