Where I Am

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Sometimes I get discouraged -- and I'm wondering if you do, too. But first, a report on the good things happening:

Work: it's getting better, thankfully -- slowly but surely. I have a new coworker who started just yesterday. She's doing a great job already, and I'm grateful. I think she'll be a great asset to our team. She seems motivated & capable, two qualities I am really excited about. Village Manor is on a waiting list, if you can believe it! Not only do we have all of our vacant apartments rented, but we have pre-leased every apartment of people who are moving in the next two months. And more applications are pouring in. It's a crazy time, but it's exciting, and I love being a part of it. I'm still working a lot more hours than I should be, but sometimes that happens. What can you do?

My health: I picked out a second doctor, and I love her already {Dr. Baharestan in downtown Louisville, if you're curious}. She actually sat down and talked with me for a long time during my first appointment. She didn't act rushed or like she was seeing 15 other patients at the same time. She listened when I talked and took notes and was incredibly thorough. I have honestly never had that much attention from a doctor... ever. She's starting me on several supplements instead of immediately putting me on thyroid medication, which I appreciate. My iron is crazy low, as is my vitamin B12. So we're going to try some supplements for three months and see how I feel. After that, I'll do more blood work, and we can consider thyroid medication if need be. She said that my thyroid is functioning at a slightly lower rate than normal, but nothing that makes her want to rush into anything. Apparently my iron is so low that she's not surprised I struggle with fatigue. So I'm going to start there. I might go out and buy everything tonight... if I can find the energy to get out of bed, that is.

I'm just tired. And I'm discouraged. Tired of being tired, you know? I know I have a lot going on that explains that fatigue [physically, mentally and emotionally], but I was thinking about life on the way home... here are some of my thoughts.

Work takes up a LOT of time. Like, most of my life. I get up at 6:30 in the morning to get ready for work. I work from 8 to at least 5 every day, sometimes to 6 or 7. Then I come home exhausted to a house that's not very clean. I pick a few chores to do each night, but there's still so much left to be done. Laundry & dishes are constant. Dust is ever present. There are floors to be swept and bathtubs to be scrubbed (well, thankfully, just one bathtub). I don't like to live in a dirty or cluttered home. I'm so much more at peace when things are organized and clean. [Not just picked up, you see, but clean.]

{Never mind the things I want to do to improve my home -- like pick out a new picture and frame it for the bathroom, or paint the living-room walls a new color. It doesn't seem like I'll ever have time for those things! It's all I can do to maintain what I have.}

My hubs and I are pretty independent people, but I feel bad about the lack of time we spend together. He studies a lot & doesn't complain... but he loses out to my exhaustion. I go to bed so early some nights that I don't even eat dinner. This may be part of the reason I can't even fathom having children. I can't imagine handling the extreme & utter dependency of a child. I don't have room in my life for another person's needs. I can barely make it through the day taking care of myself! And even though I do make it, I feel like I'm just surviving -- I'm not even close to thriving. At least not at this point. Exercising? Forget exercising. Who has time? Or energy?

I wish I could work part time. I think that would help tremendously, but that's not an option right now. It won't be an option for the next five years, most likely -- not until Wes finishes his PhD and gets a job. And let's be honest -- there's not big money in theological education. If I choose to work part time {instead of full time} when he graduates and gets a job, our income will suffer. But honestly, I want a normal quality of life much more than I want money. But let's be honest: I wish I could have both! :)

{I think I might start playing the lottery once a week. Not kidding.}

Right now, we have bills to pay & a life to support, so part-time work is out of the question. Which means, I suppose, that my life will be synonymous with my work. I just don't know how to draw a distinction or separate the two. There's too much time & energy that I have to invest. I love my job, and I don't really want a new or different one, but sometimes I wish I could have one that was less demanding and all consuming. {Or is that just my personality & not necessarily the job's fault? I honestly don't know. I don't remember feeling like this when I worked at the Seminary. Then again, my position was unnecessary & my job was mind-numbingly boring, so maybe that's why.}

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm tired. I want a different life, but I can't have one. I don't know what to do or how to be happier or make sense of it all. That's just where I am right now.

Do you see what working Fridays does to me?!

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